Monday, December 04, 2006

Soul Searching

I wanted to come on tonight and post about my great weekend, but I have other things going on inside my heart and mind. I am being confronted with feelings that I thought were long gone. Feelings of anger and unforgiveness. I was hurt so deeply by someone, (believer) that I didn't know if I would ever get over it, but through much prayer, (for them as well as myself,) I thought I had lain it to rest. Not because they had ask for my forgiveness, they didn't, but I know that as a christian, I have to forgive anyway, right? Believe me, it was a struggle, but I want to cleave to what I know is right and not reward evil for evil.

Here I am tonight twelve years later, yes, twelve years and I have questions. Questions that have been brought to the surface because I had a face to face encounter with her tonight. I guess you could tell by the twelve year comment that I haven't seen or talked to her in that period of time. I had gone to a Christmas Cantata at another church to support one of my friends. She had a solo and after all she has endured in the past year or so, I wanted to be there for her. The church was almost full to capacity, but even with all the hundreds of faces in the crowd, I saw her!

I continued to enjoy the cantata without letting that bother me. I had actually "psyched" myself up to be cordial and natural as possible in the event our paths crossed at the finale. Well, so much for the psych. Our paths did cross. I thought I was doing great. I made it a point to speak to her as casually as I could and tried to keep walking in the passing. It didn't work. She had to turn around and come back. The fact that I even spoke to her may have been the motivation for that action. I had been smiling up to the point that she tried to hug me. I didn't push her away, neither did I show any outward emotion. It was all inside, not anger, but I just didn't want a hug from her. And that bothers me. If I truly have forgiven her, why did I not welcome her embrace? I was so sure the infraction was in the past. Tonight has stirred up many ponderings.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing your heart about what you are feeling my sweet friend. I do not know if this will help, but I am sending you a link to a page on my website. I am praying for you, love you. Here is the link-

Anonymous said...

Oh, Debbie. What a tough moment! But, definitely a time for learning, growth, self-reflection, and prayer. Good for you for tackling it! Hang in there...the answer (His answer actually) will come along with His peace. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

Hi Debbie - I can relate, having struggled with a hurt that kept coming back long after I had forgiven the person. I have come to this conclusion: the forgiveness I offered is real. I am only able to extend it because of my own forgiveness in Christ. That is objective, unlike my feelings, which are subjective. That the hurt can come back unexpectedly after so many years does not mean that the forgiveness I gave is not "valid". It just means that emotionally, the memory can still hurt. Do you question your decision to forgive? Do you wish harm or revenge against this person? If this is the case then perhaps you must question if did in fact turn this over for God to handle when you forgave. But if you have in fact given it over to Him to deal with in His time, then trust that in His time, he will heal your hurts as well. Blessings to you as you work through this.

Debbie said...

Denise, your page is beautiful. I want to thank you guys (Beth and Anita) as well, for your prayers and support. Today, I felt so much better about it. I had His peace....*smiles*....thanks Beth. Anita, you captured something here;

That the hurt can come back unexpectedly after so many years does not mean that the forgiveness I gave is not "valid". It just means that emotionally, the memory can still hurt.

That's it exactly!

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that you are feeling better about this sweety, love you bunches.

Anonymous said...

Sending you a hug too!! Forgiveness is such a complicated thing, isn't it? But praise be to God that nothing is to big for Him and nothing that we do surprises Him!!